mind spilling

not much to speak on today. so i'll just mind spill ...

i've been feeling a little down lately. but i am positive my happiness will be greatly increasing in the next few weeks and months. i pray.

...it betta get betta. whew.

my wtf moment of the week...

my face. well rather the skin on my face. has been pissing me off. breaking out. i'm 26 years old. what the hell. ugh. ah well. it will go away. just makes me angry. that's how i KNOW i've been stressing. booooo.

on the up side, little sister #1 and i are going to see kanye TOMORROW. wooooo hoooo!!! operation 'seduce kanye' is still on. lol.

cool story ...

so my mom and little sister #1 called me on speaker phone monday. little sis was screaming with glee in the background.

my mom asked, "are you sitting down?"

i said "no, why?"

mom: "sit down!!"

me: "why?"

mom: "cause i just won you kanye west tickets!!"

me: "huh? don't play with my heart. seriously. that is just cruel."

-sidebar- when i said i was going to the kanye concert, i was purchasing them that day. thing is, only seats i was willing to pay for were waaay far. the ones closer to the stage (but still very very far away) were unreasonably priced, so i was a little depressed that i'd have a nosebleed during the concert.

-resume-

little sis#1: "noooo! she is serious!! *screams* i can't wait!!! ohmygod what are you going to wear?? this is gonna be so much fun!!!"

me: "so ya'll are serious? like for real?"

mom: "yes! they asked on the radio why you deserved to go to the concert and i told them and i won! they're really good seats too!!"

me: *screams like a little kid* "you are sooo the best mom ever in life. ever."


so yeah, i'm going. and i won't have a nosebleed. yay. now to find a way to sneak my camera in. there's no way i'm not getting some pics. me thinks i will hide it with my 'goodies'. lol. they try to check there and i'll scream harassment. ha!

and yesterday, my mom informed me that a friend of a friend just gave her floor seats to the celtics/pistons game on saturday. and i'm going to that also. yay.

how cool am i?

random...

have you ever watched a real life love story unfold? it's a pretty awesome thing to witness.

anemic

being emotionally anemic is hard.
especially when you have someone
relying on you with such fervor...

-to supply their heart's beat.

every step you take has to be right.
every word said so fitting;
a big task that has me drained.
growing weaker by the day.

-i cannot pump your heart and mine too.

this anemia is affecting me.

so much effort goes into being your lifeline
that i neglect myself,
cause internal bleeding
that i cannot afford.

i can't be your sole source-

this anemia is affecting me.

Hypothetically Speaking

you've always known he was into some bad things.

hanging out with people he had no business being with. doing things he had no business doing. only nineteen, the handsome little boy that you had such big dreams for has become someone you have a hard time recognizing anymore. the streets have gotten into his ear, corrupted his mind. it hurts your core to see him destroy his future like this, but what can you do? he's your son and you love him without fail.

when you heard about the raid on that street that he's always hanging on, a bad feeling crept over you. in your spirit you already knew. they had your baby. your only son was going to jail. it was later confirmed when you got that one sad call. hearing his dispirited tone broke your heart as he said quietly into the phone "I'm sorry."

drug trafficking.

ten to twenty years in federal prison. you felt as though that cold judge had handed that same sentence to you when you heard that gavel drop. the tears in your sons eyes proved his sorrow. he was finally getting his rude awakening.

sixty long days later, around 3 a.m., you are suddenly jerked awake by a thunderous pounding on your bedroom window. you panic, look to your window and see what looks to be the silhouette of your son, still in his prison orange.

"mom!! help me! open the door! please!! open the door!"

he pounds harder, his muffled screams you make out through the window begging you to let him in. he has escaped. he is remorseful and promises to do a complete 180 if you help him.


Question: what would you do if this happened to you?

that random ish...

* my mind is so cluttered today. i know right? it's only 10:15 in the morning. you can tell how my day is going to be. lol.

* i've had like the same seven songs in my head for the last week or so, so if i have a lot of music links, that is why.

* this belly ring is kinda cool. sexy time baby! lol. but it's oozing some kind of liquid that is turning to crust that i have to wipe off every couple of hours. now THAT is unsexy. apparently that means it's healing though. still, gross.

* my little brother's girlfriend got her's done the other day. she cried. ha! i don't feel like such a punk anymore.

* i got my stimulus check like waaay earlier than everyone else. ha! i didn't stimulate anything though. just put it in the savings. *planning my getaway slowly* lol.

* having no car sucks. i mean really sucks. like sucks fat sweaty arsecrack. seriously.

* if you loaned your friend some super sexy stilettos and she had sex in them, would you be mad?

* 'touch my body' by mariah carey is my JAM. but um, how hilarious is it that she has to warn this person not to put her on youtube? are you seriously effing with someone that would put your tape on youtube? wow. lol.

* and i can't believe she married nick cannon. like, married. and got tats. like, big tats. with each other's name. on one hand it sounds so crazy. on the other it is soooo romantic. to be swept up in romance and love is one of the greatest feelings. high fives to nick for snagging him a sugar mama. ha!

* so i don't know if i told this, but i'm going to the kanye concert!!! whooooo hoooo! can't wait can't wait can't wait. i mean, he IS single now. the plan is to get backstage and seduce him with my flyyness so that he immediately drops to his knees and says "Muze, PLEASE marry me...now!" ha! i'd so do it. ...if i was also single. lol. (heyyy bf. you know i'm just playing...right? lol)

* volleyball season is starting soon. can't wait. i miss my girls. this will be my fourth year and all my best girls are now seniors looking forward to college. it will be a bittersweet year for sure. but we WILL kick some major arse this year. yay coach Muze! lol.


* it's weird that a few of my girls ^^ are on facebook and are my friends. same with myspace. i can't really say things that i may be feeling cause they will see. have to be an example. couldn't turn down their friend requests, you know? lol. lets me monitor them and fuss them out when i see them talking innappropriately though. they know i'm watching now. so they change that f*ck to an 'eff'. lol. it's hilarious. betta had.

* i kinda miss my sister being on the team. ahh well. good times.

* my new nickname to a few of my friends is 'rock star'. i think it's cute. kinda. i have waaay to many nicknames now though. ha. speaking of rock star, the song by the very same name by nickelback is like one of my favorites ever. 'heyyy heeyyy i wanna be a rock star!' lol.

i wanna be great like elvis, without the tassles
hire eight bodyguards that love to beat up assholes
sign a couple autographs so i can eat my meals for free...

* i miss the 'i'm your baby tonight' whitney. i've been jamming to that for the last week or so.

*go pistons!!!! whoooo hoooo! we soooo rock. i didn't even realize this is the sixth year in a row that we will be in the eastern conference finals. work it out. bf is beyond ecstatic. lol.

* 'okay' by nivea always reminds me of my friends. we used to listen to it before hitting the club. getting our snooty girl head bob on. (you'd have to see it.) 'feelin good, feeling great. i look good... don't hate.' the first guy that raps from the youngbloodz has such a cute southern accent. i like southern accents. so cute. i have a friend that is sooo country. and he's from florida so i don't understand how his voice is THAT country. lol. always saying "yeah i looked at your blo-ug today.." hilarious. blo-ug? like blouse with a g. it's blog homie. like clog. lol.

* why is 'sexy, can i?' every dude's new pick up line? sooo annoying. um, NO you can't.

*i'm so sad that i had to give four pairs of brand new shoes away. apparently my foot has grown since last year and so when i bought four new pairs of shoes from 6pm.com (my new obsession) they ALL were too small. dangit. i gave them to the little sisters, mom, and my brother's gf though. so that was my good for the week. little sister #1 wore hers to a dance at michigan state. looked absolutely FABULOUS. i taught her well. lol.


well that's it. hope all is fab and flyy.

peaces.

things not to say in a room full of white people.

the recent case of susan lefevre has sparked some very interesting conversations.


frolicky gay white man: "see, i totally don't think she should go to jail. i mean, come on now, she's like, a total model citizen now."

young white lady: "i totally agree. she has been rehabilitated. she was nineteen. she is a model citizen now. raised three lovely kids, contributing member of her church and community, i mean, she's basically me in twenty years."

i'm standing there, saying nothing. minding my business. listening.

frolicky gay white man: "you should like, totally be a judge. some of these crazy people are saying she should go to jail. that's so stupid. this lady is no harm to anyone."

young white lady: "yeah they are so stupid to think that. why would you put her in jail? that was ages ago. and you wouldn't even get that sentence now a days for that crime."

i look at the black man in front of me, minding his business, yet quietly shaking his head as he listens. probably thinking the same thing as i am. i can't take it any longer. maybe i shouldn't say anything, but if i don't, it will eat at me.

me: "so, can i ask a question? what about all those people who got the same sentence for the same crime who just got out of jail ten years ago?"

young white lady: "well ... too bad for them. i mean, i'd be pissed if i was them, but it makes no sense to put her in jail and spend money on jailing some innocent, harmless lady."

me: "she's not innocent. she escaped from jail. she trafficked drugs. she stole some dead person's identity for thirty years. so do you think she should get a fine at least?"

young white lady: "umm no. why would they do that? she's paid her debt to society. she has become a good citizen."

me: "so did tookie williams."

young white lady: "who?"

me: "exactly. so you're telling me if this was the same story, but it was him" (pointing to the young black guy in front of me) "you telling me you would feel the same way? be honest."


uncomfortable silence.


me: "there are few things a black man can do in america and get away with it. even if it isn't something wrong. sometimes he's just going to a friggin bachelor party the night before his wedding. i just feel that, if it was a black man, there would be a very different headline. maybe something like 'dangerous drug dealer found after thirty years! made to serve rest of sentence at age 50.' there would be no pondering of what should become of him. his ass would be in jail. that would be the story."

frolicky gay white man: "wow ... i uh, never thought about it like that. i still wouldn't think he should go to jail though. honestly."

me: "sure you wouldn't. i say fine her ass 500,000 dollars and put it towards these broke down schools in detroit. that could at least buy some up to date books. make her do 5,000 hours of community service, 'rehabilitating' young black men who were caught selling drugs. since she knows so much about turning your life around."


uncomfortable silence.


the black man in front of me smiles. nods at me. looks over at them and shakes his head. then takes his money.

me: "you have a wonderful day, sir."

he's mine...you may have had him once but i got him all the time ...

He might be doing you
But he's thinkin' about me
So lay that finger on another lover
And go find another brother
I know he's my man
He's holding my hand
It feels good when he calls my name
Don't you wish you had the same
Feeling disgust workin' yo' stuff
Till he thinks about mine Now he's feeling real high
You ask why Cause he's mine
Tell you something that just aint cool
Never fall in love with a man who don't love you
I wouldn't waste my time telling you something wrong
You been with him one night and now he's coming home ...



"he don't want that hoe. she was just a one night thing."

this phrase is one i've come to be familiar with among friends and family when they find their man has cheated.

it was only a one night thing.

it didn't mean anything.

he made a mistake.

maybe it's just me, but i don't think that should matter. i think the fact that he spent the night out sexing down some chick while you were at home is enough to be fired. my friends say i'm unrealistic when it comes to relationships. how dare i expect a man to be faithful for forever in 2008?

in the song 'hey ya' by andre 3000, he says "if what they say is nothing lasts forever, then what makes love the exception?"

i dunno. i just think that once you stop believing in love, there's really no reason to date or get married or even be involved in it, you know? a friend told me that 'love fades. people fall out of love every day.' and i know this is true. i've seen it. but is that because it's so easy for us to look elsewhere for it?

and what happens when one of his 'one nighters' is no longer a one nighter? or one of those chicks gives him some disease that he so graciously gives to you? why is it so unrealistic to expect a man to be faithful? and what is the point of getting married if you are just going to cheat on each other?

'feeling disgust working your stuff...'

uh, yeah right.

so let me ask you guys...


do you think it's possible for love to last through anything?

you think the 20-30 year relationships are a possibility in this day and age?

if your man or woman had a 'one night thing' ... would you forgive and forget? tell yourself 'this here is too good, he don't want nothing else?'

or would you bounce to find your 'meant to be?'

guess i'm not too old after all.

since i was around seventeen or eighteen, my friends have been trying to get me to do it.

i'd laugh, promise i would with the next bold friend that went, and then i'd be 'busy' when the day finally came. or i'd be sick. or hanging with my boyfriend, or something that would prevent me from having to keep my word.

i was scared.

and i know it was only a five second discomfort at most, but i still wasn't with it. when i reached age 21, again, my friends, although college friends this time, tried to get me to go through with it.

never happened. i was so chicken it wasn't even funny.

and i've been perfectly okay with never having that experience. ever. never needed to put on a swimsuit or some little top and reveal it for the world to see. never had that urge. always thought it was cute, but that's as far as my admiration went. period.

all that changed yesterday.

on a whim, little sister number 1 called me, no actually sent me a text, that said 'let's go get our belly buttons pierced today!'

i thought it was a joke. told her maybe tomorrow or thursday. her reply was 'noooo. today!'

and the rest is history folks.



26 and my first time getting my navel pierced. the things a big sister will do, i tell you. especially considering that her's didn't hurt in the slightest and mine, with the thick skin above my navel, almost killed me. lol.



seriously. when she was piercing my sister, the needle slid through, no problem. mine however, almost got stuck and she had to try several times to get it through the top layer of my skin. i of course, knew this, which is one of the reasons i have never gotten it done.



of course, bf captured the whole experience on camera. we're such dorks. i was video taping and he was snapping pics with his professional lens. you'd have thought beyonce was making an appearance at Ink Addiction. lol.





but ahh well. it's here. it's cute. bf loves it, and i feel 18 again. lol.







hope all is fab and flyy.